tnkrstoyco

Apollo here's how I heard that joke.

A fire fighter is working on the
engine outside the station when
he notices a little girl next door in
a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a
garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's
helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to
take a closer look. "That sure is a
nice fire truck," the fire fighter
says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little
closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's *********. "Little
Partner", the fire fighter says, "I
don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar
too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

91zxtt

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the
mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.This is
the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and
it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and asks, "How do you play that?"
"Well," Bob explains, "all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one
at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," says Bob. "Your name came up four or
five times."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the **** away from me."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues. Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his *** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

tnkrstoyco

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.



Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights
off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the
stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"



His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the *** and say,
"WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!"



And she acts like she's sound asleep.

tnkrstoyco

A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he
has any job openings.



"Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have
experience?"



"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an
accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story
short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and,
well, it castrated me."



"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of
experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you
started."



"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at
nine?"



"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around
scratching our *****."

Riz Z Speed

A guy browsing in a pet shop sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It has no feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
>
>The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.."
>"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
>"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
>"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
>"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
>"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
> The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
>"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
>The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
>Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
>"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
>"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
>"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
>"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began fondling her all over," reported the parrot.
> NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
>"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
>Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
>
>"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

theramz

A 13 year old boy says hey dad, what is the difference between a vagina, a ***** and a ****? Dad says holy **** were did you pick up that kind of language? The boy said sorry dad I was listening to some older boys talking and I didn't know it was bad. Dad says all right son, I guess if you're old enough to ask, you're to know. Come with me. He takes him to the mother in-laws bedroom were she is sleeping. Jerks back the covers and points to the naked womans privates. Now that is the vagina, it is also called a *****, you got that? Yeah says the boy. Now, all the rest is ****!

bardabe

Me perfecting my Typing.

new_2_z

whats the difference between a priest and a pimple? a pimple does not *** on your face till your 13. sorry thats a low blow to all the religious people out their but its funny.

Riz Z Speed

An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for
the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, and told her:
Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

he next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the
pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

tnkrstoyco

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and died brown.



A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass.



Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"



The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde
thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."



This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally
amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."



The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one
that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.



When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have
a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?"

Z_WRECKER

I don't care who you are thats funny right there

Riz Z Speed

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holla nd, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know .there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP ********! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN
MUG AND EAT YOUR *#@*+# HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN'T GOING TO A *#@+# BAR! THAT **** IS OVER...GOT IT, *******?"
. . . and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

91zxtt

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon. His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions. But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs. Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled. On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay, Florida, While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question. In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Midwest Town, He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows. His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky "sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!"



True Story.

Riz Z Speed

A Father's nightmare

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
wasnicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped
up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with
tremblinghands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all
her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not
only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very
happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole
winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Your son, John


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my
report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Riz Z Speed

Why it's important to learn English

bardabe

WTF is preperation cream?

CanyonCarver

You'll find out when you get older............... it's good for the smile.

DynamicJ

lol.. it's Preperation H... H is for Hemroids... good fun.

bardabe

I'm still clue less

entropy31

*** cream.

b300z

haha bardabe....thats funny
did you know that over 70% of people will have that at one point in time in their life....health class at its finest

bardabe

too bad I didnl;t pay attention. I got a D- passed and didn;t have to take the course over. thats the only D i got in my entire transcript. health sucked. it was my sleeping class.

Riz Z Speed

ok enough,
don't ruin/hijack my thread!

entropy31

sorry rizz, maybe we'll start a seperate *** cream thread.

91zxtt

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his
birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets
were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a
pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say
it's been trained to give ********!"
"********?!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,"
he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if
it's true... no more ******** for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was
extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed
happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than
riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of
pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and
crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to
find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your
*** is gone."


************************************************** **********
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
>difference between potentially and realistically?"
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
>she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your
>sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then,
>ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
>Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
>Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
>We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
>great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you
>sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God!
> I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you
>nuts?!?!?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
>with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied.
>"Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered the answers
>for a few days, then went back to his dad.
>
> His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
>potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir.
>Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars..............
>but Realistically,......... we're living with two ***** and a queer.