Riz's Joke Thread
07-08-2004, 12:49 AM
#1
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Riz's Joke Thread
Screw it. I had to start this again. enjoy. 
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of yours?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of yours. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded
so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"!
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX".
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fell! a's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.
Even more shaken,
the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of mine is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." 
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says.....................
"Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of yours?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of yours. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded
so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"! The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX".
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fell! a's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.
Even more shaken,
the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of mine is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says.....................
"Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
07-08-2004, 10:13 AM
#3
VIVA LA Z31!
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Elk Grove, Ca
Posts: 401
lol, that was pretty funny... heres one not really a joke put you can imagine how funny they would be...
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
07-11-2004, 05:09 PM
#4
caught the z fever
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Lafayette, IN
Posts: 2,518
heres another one like crazy's
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT....................
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. . . Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire.. . I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet
of flowers . . . and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be, but don't fret about
it . . . She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder . . .What the hell was I thinking??!
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you . . . Have such an ugly baby???
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life . . .I never believed
in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . . that you're not
here to ruin it for me.
11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go . . . Would you
like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it
again.
12. Someday I hope to get married . . . but not to you.
13. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age . . .Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend
. . . So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
16. We have been friends for a very long time . . . what do ya say we
call it quits?
17. I'm so miserable without you . . it's almost like you're here.
18. Congratulations! on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
who the father was?
19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket . . . I'd miss you terribly and think of
you often.
20. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Alabama, Tennessee,
West Virginia and Mississippi)
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT....................
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. . . Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire.. . I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet
of flowers . . . and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be, but don't fret about
it . . . She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder . . .What the hell was I thinking??!
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you . . . Have such an ugly baby???
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life . . .I never believed
in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . . that you're not
here to ruin it for me.
11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go . . . Would you
like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it
again.
12. Someday I hope to get married . . . but not to you.
13. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age . . .Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend
. . . So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
16. We have been friends for a very long time . . . what do ya say we
call it quits?
17. I'm so miserable without you . . it's almost like you're here.
18. Congratulations! on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
who the father was?
19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket . . . I'd miss you terribly and think of
you often.
20. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Alabama, Tennessee,
West Virginia and Mississippi)
07-16-2004, 01:57 AM
#13
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a
luxurious neighbourhood
looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large
house. She goes up to
the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells
him of her
situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if
he has any odd
jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second
and then
remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He
asks the blonde if
she paints?
The blonde says, "Sure anything."
"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would
you charge?" the
man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks."
"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door
and walks back
inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of
the blonde and her
situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to
paint the porch
for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes
the full length of
our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours
job. You really
should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb
blonde!"
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man
answers the door and
the blone stands there and says, "All done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it,
you're already done
painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
luxurious neighbourhood
looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large
house. She goes up to
the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells
him of her
situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if
he has any odd
jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second
and then
remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He
asks the blonde if
she paints?
The blonde says, "Sure anything."
"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would
you charge?" the
man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks."
"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door
and walks back
inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of
the blonde and her
situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to
paint the porch
for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes
the full length of
our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours
job. You really
should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb
blonde!"
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man
answers the door and
the blone stands there and says, "All done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it,
you're already done
painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
07-16-2004, 02:04 AM
#14
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Here's a picture of a public toilet in Switzerland that's made entirely out
of one-way glass. No one can see you in there, but when you are inside, it
looks like you're sitting in a clear glass box.
Would you use it?
of one-way glass. No one can see you in there, but when you are inside, it
looks like you're sitting in a clear glass box.
Would you use it?
Last edited by Riz Z Speed; 10-13-2005 at 01:42 PM.
07-29-2004, 01:16 AM
#15
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?" She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued
playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied, "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold. She said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, 'I sell tampons'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh."
He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.
I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you!!"
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?" She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued
playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied, "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold. She said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, 'I sell tampons'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh."
He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.
I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you!!"
08-08-2004, 04:21 PM
#17
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 650
Nurse walks in to Mr. Johnsons room for his sponge bath. The nurse says "Ok Mr. Johnny, time for your bath"
Mr. Johnson murmors to her from under his oxygen mask "are my ********* black?"
She looks at him confused and says... "Um sir, im not really supposed to do that, now lay back so I can give you your bath"
Mr. Johnson leans back up, and says once again "ARE MY ********* BLACK?!"
The nurse pushes him into his bed and says sternly "Sir, I am not going to do that!"
Mr. Johnson looking really confused says once again... "ARE MY... *********... BLACK! PLEASE CHECK!"
The nurse angrily yells "OK OK OK. I'll look"
She whips his robe open, and says "No, they look fine"
Mr. Johnson rips off his oxygen mask, and says "Are my RESULTS BACK?"
Haha
Mr. Johnson murmors to her from under his oxygen mask "are my ********* black?"
She looks at him confused and says... "Um sir, im not really supposed to do that, now lay back so I can give you your bath"
Mr. Johnson leans back up, and says once again "ARE MY ********* BLACK?!"
The nurse pushes him into his bed and says sternly "Sir, I am not going to do that!"
Mr. Johnson looking really confused says once again... "ARE MY... *********... BLACK! PLEASE CHECK!"
The nurse angrily yells "OK OK OK. I'll look"
She whips his robe open, and says "No, they look fine"
Mr. Johnson rips off his oxygen mask, and says "Are my RESULTS BACK?"
Haha
08-09-2004, 02:41 AM
#18
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
CINDERELLA YEARS LATER.....
Cinderella is now 95 years old, and alas, she is a widow. After
a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an
exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart
still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not
much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I
wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". Instantly her rocking chair
turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want
for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became
reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings
inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the
fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations , Cinderella, enjoy your new life.
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was
gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect
man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat
transfixed in her rocking chair, held her close in his young muscular
arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered................................
BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME!
Cinderella is now 95 years old, and alas, she is a widow. After
a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an
exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart
still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not
much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I
wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". Instantly her rocking chair
turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want
for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became
reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings
inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the
fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations , Cinderella, enjoy your new life.
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was
gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect
man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat
transfixed in her rocking chair, held her close in his young muscular
arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered................................
BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME!
08-13-2004, 05:36 AM
#20
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
>
>1. Golden Retriever:
>The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of
>us,
>and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
>
>2. Border Collie:
>Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
>
>3. Dachshund:
>You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
>
>4. Rottweiler:
>Make me.
>
>5. Boxer:
>Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
>
>6. Lab:
>Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
>Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
>
>7. German Shepherd:
>I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to
>make
>sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
>that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
>
>8. Jack Russell Terrier:
>I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
>
>9. Old English Sheep Dog:
>Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
>
>10. Cocker Spaniel:
>Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
>
>11. Chihuahua:
>Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
>
>12. Pointer:
>I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .
>
>13. Greyhound:
>It isn't moving. Who cares?
>
>14. Australian Shepherd:
>First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
>
>15. Poodle:
>I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he
>finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>
>The Cat's Answer:
>"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
>question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
>dinner
> and a massage?"
>
>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
>STAFF.
>
>
>What is a Cat?
>
>1. Cats do what they want.
>2. They rarely listen to you.
>3. They're totally unpredictable.
>4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
>5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
>7. They're moody.
>8. They leave hair everywhere.
>
>CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
>
>
>What is a Dog?
>
>1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
>in the house.
>2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
>hear you when you're in the same room.
>3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
>4. They growl when they are not happy.
>5. When you want to play, they want to play.
>6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>7. They leave their toys everywhere.
>8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
>kiss.
>9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
>
>CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats
>
>1. Golden Retriever:
>The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of
>us,
>and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
>
>2. Border Collie:
>Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
>
>3. Dachshund:
>You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
>
>4. Rottweiler:
>Make me.
>
>5. Boxer:
>Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
>
>6. Lab:
>Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
>Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
>
>7. German Shepherd:
>I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to
>make
>sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
>that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
>
>8. Jack Russell Terrier:
>I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
>
>9. Old English Sheep Dog:
>Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
>
>10. Cocker Spaniel:
>Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
>
>11. Chihuahua:
>Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
>
>12. Pointer:
>I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .
>
>13. Greyhound:
>It isn't moving. Who cares?
>
>14. Australian Shepherd:
>First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
>
>15. Poodle:
>I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he
>finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>
>The Cat's Answer:
>"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
>question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
>dinner
> and a massage?"
>
>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
>STAFF.
>
>
>What is a Cat?
>
>1. Cats do what they want.
>2. They rarely listen to you.
>3. They're totally unpredictable.
>4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
>5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
>7. They're moody.
>8. They leave hair everywhere.
>
>CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
>
>
>What is a Dog?
>
>1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
>in the house.
>2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
>hear you when you're in the same room.
>3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
>4. They growl when they are not happy.
>5. When you want to play, they want to play.
>6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>7. They leave their toys everywhere.
>8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
>kiss.
>9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
>
>CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats
08-13-2004, 05:37 AM
#21
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Aphorisms to help you understand, cope, and get ahead
>
>1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
>I
>may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
>hell alone.
>2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
>leaky
>tire.
>3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
>neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
>5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
>7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
>8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
>payments.
>10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
>That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
>shoes.
>11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
>he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
>probably
>worth it.
>14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
>15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
>16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
>bad judgment.
>17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
>back in your pocket.
>18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
>it
>holds the universe together.
>20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
>21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
>22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ***... then
>things get worse.
>25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
>the same night.
>26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
>seriously.
>28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
>a
>big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
>29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
>1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
>I
>may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
>hell alone.
>2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
>leaky
>tire.
>3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
>neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
>5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
>7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
>8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
>payments.
>10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
>That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
>shoes.
>11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
>he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
>probably
>worth it.
>14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
>15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
>16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
>bad judgment.
>17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
>back in your pocket.
>18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
>it
>holds the universe together.
>20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
>21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
>22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ***... then
>things get worse.
>25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
>the same night.
>26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
>seriously.
>28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
>a
>big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
>29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
08-18-2004, 12:03 AM
#22
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine..
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were
absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting with the right staff member, please listen to
all your options before making a selection.
a.. To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
b.. To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
c.. To complain about what we do - Press 3
d.. To swear at staff members - Press 4
e.. To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
f.. If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
g.. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
h.. To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8
i.. To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
j.. To complain about school lunches - Press 0
k.. If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not
the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort...hang up and have a nice day!
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were
absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting with the right staff member, please listen to
all your options before making a selection.
a.. To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
b.. To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
c.. To complain about what we do - Press 3
d.. To swear at staff members - Press 4
e.. To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
f.. If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
g.. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
h.. To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8
i.. To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
j.. To complain about school lunches - Press 0
k.. If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not
the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort...hang up and have a nice day!
08-18-2004, 12:03 AM
#23
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After having their 11th child, a West Virginia couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the West Virginia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:1 2 3 4 5
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia and most places in Texas .
After having their 11th child, a West Virginia couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the West Virginia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:1 2 3 4 5
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia and most places in Texas .
08-18-2004, 06:41 AM
#24
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Car Accident
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off all your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriends stuck!!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far!!!!!"
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off all your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriends stuck!!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do.... he's in too far!!!!!"
08-18-2004, 06:58 AM
#25
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
