Riz's Joke Thread
09-01-2004, 02:51 PM
#51
Jack Of All Trades
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Acton, California
Posts: 2,296
Bar Fight
At the end of the bar in a Stone County tavern sat a huge Mexican. He was
having a few beers when a short, well
dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucked up the courage to
say something to the big Mexican. Leaning
over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this the massive Mexican leaped up with fire in his eyes and smacked the
crap out of the smaller guy, knocking
him completely off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of
the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and
returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the big Mexican.
"I've never seen you react like that," he
said. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big Mexican replied, "Something about getting a job".
At the end of the bar in a Stone County tavern sat a huge Mexican. He was
having a few beers when a short, well
dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucked up the courage to
say something to the big Mexican. Leaning
over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this the massive Mexican leaped up with fire in his eyes and smacked the
crap out of the smaller guy, knocking
him completely off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of
the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and
returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the big Mexican.
"I've never seen you react like that," he
said. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big Mexican replied, "Something about getting a job".
09-02-2004, 02:01 AM
#52
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Rodney Dangerfield's
21 Best One Liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said
"Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said
to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he
leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in the electric chair.
21 Best One Liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said
"Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said
to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he
leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in the electric chair.
09-02-2004, 06:13 AM
#53
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
oops
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the
heck it's only twenty bucks.
They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes
on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face."
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the
heck it's only twenty bucks.
They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes
on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face."
09-03-2004, 10:45 AM
#54
Jack Of All Trades
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Acton, California
Posts: 2,296
Not a joke post
Subject: Oliver North's letter to Kerry
"Of course, the president keeps telling people he would never question my service to our country. Instead, he watches as a Republican-funded attack group does just that. Well, if he wants to have a debate about our service in Vietnam, here is my answer: 'Bring it on.'" -
Sen. John Kerry
Oliver North August 27, 2004
Dear John,
As usual, you have it wrong. You don't have a beef with President George Bush about your war record. He's been exceedingly generous about your military service. Your complaint is with the 2.5 million of us who served honorably in a war that ended 29 years ago and which you, not the president, made the centerpiece of this campaign.
I talk to a lot of vets, John, and this really isn't about your medals or how you got them. Like you, I have a Silver Star and a Bronze Star. I only have two Purple Hearts, though. I turned down the others so that I could stay with the Marines in my rifle platoon. But I think you might agree with me, though I've never heard you say it, that the officers always got more medals than they earned and the youngsters we led never got as many medals as they deserved.
This really isn't about how early you came home from that war, either, John. There have always been guys in every war who want to go home.
There are also lots of guys, like those in my rifle platoon in Vietnam, who did a full 13 months in the field. And there are, thankfully, lots of young Americans today in Iraq and Afghanistan who volunteered to return to war because, as one of them told me in Ramadi a few weeks ago, "the job isn't finished."
Nor is this about whether you were in Cambodia on Christmas Eve,
1968.
Heck John, people get lost going on vacation. If you got lost, just say so.
Your campaign has admitted that you now know that you really weren't in Cambodia that night and that Richard Nixon wasn't really president when you thought he was. Now would be a good time to explain to us how you could have all that bogus stuff "seared" into your memory -- especially since you want to have your finger on our nation's nuclear trigger.
But that's not really the problem, either. The trouble you're having, John, isn't about your medals or coming home early or getting lost -- or even Richard Nixon. The issue is what you did to us when you came home, John.
When you got home, you co-founded Vietnam Veterans Against the War and wrote "The New Soldier," which denounced those of us who served -- and were still serving -- on the battlefields of a thankless war. Worst of all, John, you then accused me -- and all of us who served in Vietnam -- of committing terrible crimes and atrocities.
On April 22, 1971, under oath, you told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that you had knowledge that American troops "had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the country side of South Vietnam." And you admitted on television that "yes, yes, I committed the same kind of atrocities as thousands of other soldiers have committed."
And for good measure you stated, "(America is) more guilty than any other body, of violations of (the) Geneva Conventions ... the torture of prisoners, the killing of prisoners."
Your "antiwar" statements and activities were painful for those of us carrying the scars of Vietnam and trying to move on with our lives. And for those who were still there, it was even more hurtful. But those who suffered the most from what you said and did were the hundreds of American prisoners of war being held by Hanoi. Here's what some of them endured because of you, John:
Capt. James Warner had already spent four years in Vietnamese custody when he was handed a copy of your testimony by his captors. Warner says that for his captors, your statements "were proof I deserved to be punished." He wasn't released until March 14, 1973.
Maj. Kenneth Cordier, an Air Force pilot who was in Vietnamese custody for 2,284 days, says his captors "repeated incessantly" your one-liner about being "the last man to die" for a lost cause. Cordier was released March 4, 1973.
Navy Lt. Paul Galanti says your accusations "were as demoralizing as solitary (confinement) . and a prime reason the war dragged on." He remained in North Vietnamese hands until February 12, 1973.
John, did you think they would forget? When Tim Russert asked about your claim that you and others in Vietnam committed "atrocities,"
instead of standing by your sworn testimony, you confessed that your words "were a bit over the top." Does that mean you lied under oath? Or does it mean you are a war criminal? You can't have this one both ways, John. Either way, you're not fit to be a prison guard at Abu Ghraib, much less commander in chief.
One last thing, John. In 1988, Jane Fonda said: "I would like to say something ... to men who were in Vietnam, who I hurt, or whose pain I caused to deepen because of things that I said or did. I was trying to help end the killing and the war, but there were times when I was thoughtless and careless about it and I'm ... very sorry that I hurt them. And I want to apologize to them and their families."
Even Jane Fonda apologized. Will you, John?
"Of course, the president keeps telling people he would never question my service to our country. Instead, he watches as a Republican-funded attack group does just that. Well, if he wants to have a debate about our service in Vietnam, here is my answer: 'Bring it on.'" -
Sen. John Kerry
Oliver North August 27, 2004
Dear John,
As usual, you have it wrong. You don't have a beef with President George Bush about your war record. He's been exceedingly generous about your military service. Your complaint is with the 2.5 million of us who served honorably in a war that ended 29 years ago and which you, not the president, made the centerpiece of this campaign.
I talk to a lot of vets, John, and this really isn't about your medals or how you got them. Like you, I have a Silver Star and a Bronze Star. I only have two Purple Hearts, though. I turned down the others so that I could stay with the Marines in my rifle platoon. But I think you might agree with me, though I've never heard you say it, that the officers always got more medals than they earned and the youngsters we led never got as many medals as they deserved.
This really isn't about how early you came home from that war, either, John. There have always been guys in every war who want to go home.
There are also lots of guys, like those in my rifle platoon in Vietnam, who did a full 13 months in the field. And there are, thankfully, lots of young Americans today in Iraq and Afghanistan who volunteered to return to war because, as one of them told me in Ramadi a few weeks ago, "the job isn't finished."
Nor is this about whether you were in Cambodia on Christmas Eve,
1968.
Heck John, people get lost going on vacation. If you got lost, just say so.
Your campaign has admitted that you now know that you really weren't in Cambodia that night and that Richard Nixon wasn't really president when you thought he was. Now would be a good time to explain to us how you could have all that bogus stuff "seared" into your memory -- especially since you want to have your finger on our nation's nuclear trigger.
But that's not really the problem, either. The trouble you're having, John, isn't about your medals or coming home early or getting lost -- or even Richard Nixon. The issue is what you did to us when you came home, John.
When you got home, you co-founded Vietnam Veterans Against the War and wrote "The New Soldier," which denounced those of us who served -- and were still serving -- on the battlefields of a thankless war. Worst of all, John, you then accused me -- and all of us who served in Vietnam -- of committing terrible crimes and atrocities.
On April 22, 1971, under oath, you told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that you had knowledge that American troops "had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the country side of South Vietnam." And you admitted on television that "yes, yes, I committed the same kind of atrocities as thousands of other soldiers have committed."
And for good measure you stated, "(America is) more guilty than any other body, of violations of (the) Geneva Conventions ... the torture of prisoners, the killing of prisoners."
Your "antiwar" statements and activities were painful for those of us carrying the scars of Vietnam and trying to move on with our lives. And for those who were still there, it was even more hurtful. But those who suffered the most from what you said and did were the hundreds of American prisoners of war being held by Hanoi. Here's what some of them endured because of you, John:
Capt. James Warner had already spent four years in Vietnamese custody when he was handed a copy of your testimony by his captors. Warner says that for his captors, your statements "were proof I deserved to be punished." He wasn't released until March 14, 1973.
Maj. Kenneth Cordier, an Air Force pilot who was in Vietnamese custody for 2,284 days, says his captors "repeated incessantly" your one-liner about being "the last man to die" for a lost cause. Cordier was released March 4, 1973.
Navy Lt. Paul Galanti says your accusations "were as demoralizing as solitary (confinement) . and a prime reason the war dragged on." He remained in North Vietnamese hands until February 12, 1973.
John, did you think they would forget? When Tim Russert asked about your claim that you and others in Vietnam committed "atrocities,"
instead of standing by your sworn testimony, you confessed that your words "were a bit over the top." Does that mean you lied under oath? Or does it mean you are a war criminal? You can't have this one both ways, John. Either way, you're not fit to be a prison guard at Abu Ghraib, much less commander in chief.
One last thing, John. In 1988, Jane Fonda said: "I would like to say something ... to men who were in Vietnam, who I hurt, or whose pain I caused to deepen because of things that I said or did. I was trying to help end the killing and the war, but there were times when I was thoughtless and careless about it and I'm ... very sorry that I hurt them. And I want to apologize to them and their families."
Even Jane Fonda apologized. Will you, John?
09-05-2004, 04:32 AM
#55
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
damn, tuff to follow that one......
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top
09-05-2004, 08:09 AM
#56
Jack Of All Trades
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Acton, California
Posts: 2,296
Yep, I've definitely seen for myself where the people giving the 103% and 118% get the promotions and advancement while the dumbasses only puttin' the 96% to 98% keep slaving away doing what's right.
No joke..........
No joke..........
09-11-2004, 09:28 AM
#57
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Welfare Office
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,"
she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come
running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,"
she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come
running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
09-14-2004, 02:25 PM
#58
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
found some old ones
FINE - This is the word we use at the end of any argument that they feel
that are right about but need to shut you up. never use fine to describe how
a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
that it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies ;an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your
best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction
with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she
has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO - this is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth,
so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A &g t;Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing."
13 Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
that are right about but need to shut you up. never use fine to describe how
a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
that it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies ;an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your
best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction
with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she
has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO - this is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth,
so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A &g t;Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing."
13 Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
09-14-2004, 02:35 PM
#59
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A sweet little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
Officer: Stole it?
>
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
Officer: You what?
>
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.
>
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
>
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
>
Older Woman: Murdered theowner?
>
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.
>
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license.
>
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.
>
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license,that you stole this car, and that you murderd and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
Officer: Stole it?
>
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
Officer: You what?
>
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.
>
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
>
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
>
Older Woman: Murdered theowner?
>
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.
>
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license.
>
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.
>
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license,that you stole this car, and that you murderd and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
09-15-2004, 08:17 AM
#60
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Important
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
09-16-2004, 05:48 AM
#61
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Lawsuit
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all
the ugly women I've slept with ?"
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all
the ugly women I've slept with ?"
09-17-2004, 05:40 AM
#62
Jack Of All Trades
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Acton, California
Posts: 2,296
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into the toilette, and pulls the lever. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into the toilette, and pulls the lever. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
09-17-2004, 08:02 AM
#63
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Second Opinion
A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor
how the procedure is performed.
The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around
his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps
and what not."
"You're going to stick that finger up my ***?" the patient asked.
"Yes." The doctor said.
"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ***."
"Why?" asked the doctor
The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."
how the procedure is performed.
The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around
his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps
and what not."
"You're going to stick that finger up my ***?" the patient asked.
"Yes." The doctor said.
"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ***."
"Why?" asked the doctor
The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."
09-21-2004, 05:23 AM
#64
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Punishment
Joe dies and arrives in hell.
There he meets the devil and is told that each person is offered several
choices of torture that run in 1,000 year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than
the next.
Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful cheerleader is performing
oral sex on a man drinking beer.
Joe says to the devil, “This is more like it.”
The devil replies, “Are you sure? It lasts for 1,000 years.”
Joe insists this is where he’d like to carry out his punishment.
So the devil walks over to the cheerleader and says, “You can go now. I’ve
found your replacement.”
There he meets the devil and is told that each person is offered several
choices of torture that run in 1,000 year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than
the next.
Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful cheerleader is performing
oral sex on a man drinking beer.
Joe says to the devil, “This is more like it.”
The devil replies, “Are you sure? It lasts for 1,000 years.”
Joe insists this is where he’d like to carry out his punishment.
So the devil walks over to the cheerleader and says, “You can go now. I’ve
found your replacement.”
09-24-2004, 06:28 AM
#65
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
What is old ?
Old is when your friends compliment your lovely new alligator shoes and
you're bare-foot.
Old is when the Doc stops giving you x-rays and just holds you up to the
light.
Old is when the only **** you bring home is 'Debby Does Dialysis'.
Old is when the term, 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the
parking lot.
Old is when a gorgeous lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door!
Old is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee.
Old is when the wife says to you, "Darling, let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
you're bare-foot.
Old is when the Doc stops giving you x-rays and just holds you up to the
light.
Old is when the only **** you bring home is 'Debby Does Dialysis'.
Old is when the term, 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the
parking lot.
Old is when a gorgeous lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door!
Old is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee.
Old is when the wife says to you, "Darling, let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
09-24-2004, 06:31 AM
#66
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Rabbi vs I.R.S.
After getting a job at the IRS, a young hotshot gets his first assignment,
auditing an aging rabbi.
Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have a little fun. “Rabbi,” he
says, “what do you do with your candle drippings?”
“Well,” the elderly rabbi replies in surprise, “we send them to the candle
factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle.”
“I see,” the taxman says. “And what about the crumbs from your table?”
The rabbi looks at him, again taken aback. “Well, we send them to the
matzo-ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free jar of
matzo *****.”
Nodding, the auditor asks his final question. “So tell me,” he asks,
furrowing his brow, “what do you do with the foreskins from
circumcisions?”
By now, the rabbi is fed up. “Well, we send them to the IRS,” he answers
slowly. “And every once in a while, they send us a little ***** like you.”
auditing an aging rabbi.
Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have a little fun. “Rabbi,” he
says, “what do you do with your candle drippings?”
“Well,” the elderly rabbi replies in surprise, “we send them to the candle
factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle.”
“I see,” the taxman says. “And what about the crumbs from your table?”
The rabbi looks at him, again taken aback. “Well, we send them to the
matzo-ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free jar of
matzo *****.”
Nodding, the auditor asks his final question. “So tell me,” he asks,
furrowing his brow, “what do you do with the foreskins from
circumcisions?”
By now, the rabbi is fed up. “Well, we send them to the IRS,” he answers
slowly. “And every once in a while, they send us a little ***** like you.”
09-28-2004, 05:41 AM
#67
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Pay Attention
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating
table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor
begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything
involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the
corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a
finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index
finger."
"Pay attention!”
table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor
begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything
involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the
corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a
finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index
finger."
"Pay attention!”
09-30-2004, 05:36 AM
#68
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Anything Smaller
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the
shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just
wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does "THIS" answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just
wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does "THIS" answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
10-01-2004, 02:06 PM
#69
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Gerber, CA
Posts: 3,672
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich . The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -------------------- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich . The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -------------------- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
10-03-2004, 08:02 PM
#70
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence--
HUSBAND" "Crap....."
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence--
HUSBAND" "Crap....."
10-12-2004, 08:57 PM
#71
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group
called
the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF)
The boys, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss and Boo, will be dropped behind enemy lines
and given the following information about the
Iraqis:
1. The season opened last weekend.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The war should be over in a week.
called
the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF)
The boys, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss and Boo, will be dropped behind enemy lines
and given the following information about the
Iraqis:
1. The season opened last weekend.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The war should be over in a week.
10-12-2004, 09:09 PM
#72
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.
10-13-2004, 10:02 AM
#73
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Palmyra,Va
Posts: 1,494
Heaven's New Policy
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
10-13-2004, 10:18 AM
#74
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Palmyra,Va
Posts: 1,494
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
10-13-2004, 10:35 AM
#75
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Palmyra,Va
Posts: 1,494
A Crappy Date (A True Story)
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
