Z_WRECKER

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Z_WRECKER

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Riz Z Speed

Have a history teacher explain this if they can !

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat !

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the "kicker":

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

And, Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.

Creepy, huh? Send this to as many people as you can, because: Hey, this is
one history lesson people don't mind reading ! ! !

Riz Z Speed

DUCT TAPE (Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything!)

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ***** to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

tnkrstoyco

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon
a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.



There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one
bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed.
I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."



Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the
nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the
blanket, and put it on her.



Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to
drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very
cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and
got into the sleeping bag once again.



Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."



This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out
here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's
pretend we're married."



The nun said, "That's fine by me."



To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own ****ing blanket!"

tnkrstoyco

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere.



Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.



Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.



So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden
the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped
the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he
kitchen floor.



He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from.



Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"



And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.

tnkrstoyco

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.



"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.



"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.



A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.



"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.



"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.



A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.



"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.



"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Riz Z Speed

No Spikka Inglish
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of the men
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come
again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex
lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta
sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Riz Z Speed

Men are like .Laxatives ........ They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like ......... Bananas ........ The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like . Weather ........ Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ......... Blenders ........ You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like . Chocolate Bars ....... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like . Commercials ........ You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like .. Department Stores ....... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ......... Government Bonds ....... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like . Mascara ........ They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like .. ... Snowstorms ....... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ......... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Riz Z Speed

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

tnkrstoyco

The following is supposedly an actual question given
on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

-----

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant. One student,
however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary
of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A

Riz Z Speed

CHET, THE PARROT

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet

shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which

could sing famous Christmas carols.This seemed like the

perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man

asked, excitedly."Simply hold a lighted match directly

under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a match under Chet's left foot and

Chet began to sing:"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the

parrot's right foot.Then Chet's tune changed, and the air

was filled with: "Silent Night.HolyNight..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the

shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with

Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was

overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show

you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed

it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him,

and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!...

" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,

and out came:"Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if

we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.

"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they

held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang

out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Riz Z Speed

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

91zxtt

What the difference between a hunting dog and a homo???

A hunting dog sicks ducks.

Riz Z Speed

Subject: Two Year Degree Program for all men...



For those of you who are married, were married, or are or were ever contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six mini-masters, you, too, can be a real man as well

as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment

to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 2AM

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise or Billy Dee

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her



Just a thought for all the women out there...

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause,

GUYnocologist (poetic spelling).

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?


*PS* If anyone is wondering why i post so many men bashing jokes, it's because I have a lot of females that email me this stuff. Hmmm....I'm wondering if they're tyring to tell me something?

Riz Z Speed

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his ***** and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up. Then, all the other bells started to ring...

91zxtt

Q) Which is better, a young kitten, or a old cat?
A) A kitten because a little ***** never hurt anyone.

Q) Why is 77 better than 69?
A) Because you get ate(eight) more.

91zxtt

1)A man is out driving. He drives over a bridge to find a cop there with a radar gun. The cop pulls him over. When the cop gets to the man's car, here's how the conversation went....

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over.
Man: Yes, I was speeding, but I'm late for work.

Cop: Really, what do you do?
Man: I'm a rectum stretcher.

Cop: A rectum stretcher?!? How do you do that?
Man: Well, I start with 1 finger and just stretch it out, then I use two fingers and stretch it further, then I can get 1 hand in and stretch it some more. Then I can get my 2nd hand in and stretch some more. Pretty soon I have both arms in and I'm able to stretch it all the way out to 6 feet.

Cop: 6 feet?!? What would anyone do with a 6 foot rectum?
Man: They'd give him a radar gun and set him at the end of a bridge.



2) A man is out on the interstate driving his new 350z when he decides that he wants to see what it can do. He gets up to 130MPH when a state trooper passes by him going the other way. The trooper spins around and pursues the man in the Z. The man figures at this point he can run from the trooper, so he stomps on the throttle. He gets up to 150MPH when he realizes how stupid this is, so he pulls over. The trooper approaches the vehicle and this is how the conversation went....

Trooper: I should haul you in for reckless driving and exhibition of speed, but it's almost quittin' time and if I were to do that, then I'd have to haul you back to the station and process all of the paperwork; which I don't want to do. So, if you can give me a good reason that I have never heard before as to why you did what you just did, then I will let you go.

Man: Well, a few months ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. When I saw you come after me, I thought you were the one she ran off with and you were trying to bring her back to me.

Trooper: You have a nice day.

tnkrstoyco

...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and
hope they panic and give in.



...that no matter how much I care, some people are just ********.



...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof,
to destroy it.



...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have a big dick or huge ****.



...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more ****ed up
than you think.



...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.



...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.



...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.



...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones who do.



...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.



...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will
eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.



...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.



...to say "**** 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

91zxtt

Ahhhh. The immortal words of Cecil 'Stud' Cantrell.

Riz Z Speed

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train ...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train ... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say ... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue ... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

91zxtt

Q. What is the definition of confidence?
A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman &
you slap her on the *** & say "you're next".

Q. What's the difference between a bitch & a *****?
A. A ***** sleeps with everyone at a party, a bitch sleeps
with everyone at a party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
A. Spit, swallow & gargle.

Q. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
A. "Honey, I'm home".

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ****.

Q. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
A. They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. By the time you've finished with the breasts & thighs all
you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. Why does Mexico have no Olympic team?
A. Because everyone who can run, jump & swim is already in the US.

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
A. With a divorce you get rid of the whole *****.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last *******.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin

Q. How can you tell if a valentine's card is from a leper?
A. The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q. Which of the following does not belong: Meat, eggs or a *******?
A. The *******. You can beat your eggs & your meat.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
A. It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. They are easier to keep amused.

Q. Why do seagulls have wings?
A. To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q. Why did God invent alcohol?
A. So ugly people can get laid.

Q. How do you get 3 little old ladies to say "f*ck"?
A. Get a 4th little old lady to shout "Bingo".

Q. Why did God invent women?
A. Because sheep can't get beer out of the fridge.

Q. What's the difference between a woman from Milton Keynes &
a walrus?
A. One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in
the sea.

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'coping with darkness.'

Q. Why can't blind people skydive?
A. It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

Q. What do women & condoms have in common?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a liquidizer.

Q. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A. Buy it some flowers.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the 2nd date?
A. Patient.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
A. A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

Q. How is ***** like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand & 12 donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A. She's the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
A. In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Q. What is a Jewish dilemma?
A. Free pork.

Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do Italians grow moustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new shade of dulux paint called blonde?
A. It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

Q. Why do women have foreheads?
A. So you have some place to kiss them after they give you a *******.

Q. Do you know why they call it a wonder bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her **** went.

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

91zxtt

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun and, the next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

91zxtt

A redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about pregnancies. The redhead says, "I've heard if the woman takes top...she'll have a girl." The brunette says "I've heard that if the woman takes bottom...she'll have a boy." Suddenly the blonde screams out smiling "Oh yay!!! I'm having puppies!!!!!"

CanyonCarver

THE YEAR IS NOW 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

An 85-year, $75.8 billion study says diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.