tnkrstoyco

On his first official engagement, President Clinton rides with the Queen in a carriage of state.
All of a sudden the rearmost horse breaks wind.
"I do apologize, Mr. President," said the Queen.
"That's all right Ma'am," said the President. "I thought it was the horse!!"

tnkrstoyco

A woman pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"

To which the Doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

tnkrstoyco

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in is rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road
at over 100-mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift
ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

tnkrstoyco

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg?



You only get laid once.



You get eaten only once, too.



It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft.



You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick
that ever sat on your face was your mom!



So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

tnkrstoyco

A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out.



The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong.



The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful but
isn't sure how to confront her about it.



The bartender replies, "Here's what you do, tonight when you get home,
pull down your pants, point to your ***** and ask her what it is. If she
say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence and shyness
which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say's it's
a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."



The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his
wife.



As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his
member and asks her what it is.



"Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife.



The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid
you were going to call it a dick."



His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that
size!"

tnkrstoyco

There were three men who were lost in the forest.



They were then captured by cannibals.



The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they
pass the trial.



First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.



So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.



The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."



The king then explains the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up
your *** without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."



The first apple went in.. but on the second one he winced out in pain, so
the savages fell upon him and devoured him.



The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.



When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself ,that this
should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry
he suddenly burst out in laughter.



Summarily he was rended limb from limb and eaten.



The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.



The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"



The second one replied, "I couldn't help it.. I looked up and saw that the
third guy coming with an armload of watermelons."

tnkrstoyco

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen.



A young blonde raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying
there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"



"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.



Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"



After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out
of class... and never returned.



However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was
classic...



Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
the back of your throat."

tnkrstoyco

An American tourist went to a restaurant in a Spanish town and asked for
the specialty of the house.



When the dish arrived, he asked ,what kind of meat the pot-pie contained?



The waiter replied, "They are, how you say, ********* of the bull killed
in the Rincon today. We call them Cojones."



The tourist found the dish delicious, and after some wine, decided he
would come back within 2 days.



On his return, he asked for the same dish.



"But these Cajones are much smaller than the ones I had 2 days ago." said
the tourist.



"True, Senior, but the bull, he does not always lose."

tnkrstoyco

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a
man named Murphy.



The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to
set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the
questions.



The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."



Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.



The boss says,"What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree
makes nine."



"Fair enough," says the boss.



Second question:

Using the same rules, represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while,
then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n'
dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."



The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says
"All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number
100."



Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a
little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100."





The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."

He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a
hundred."



Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty
tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which
makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

tnkrstoyco

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He
goes to one nearby farmer and asks to buy a chicken from him.



The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens here, "We say
pullets."



Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them
donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why
just hit him a few times."



Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.



The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them
*****."



The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when
all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.



A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a
favor for him.



She says, "Sure, what do you need?"



The man replies, "Can you hold my **** and pullet... while I slap my
***?"

tnkrstoyco

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.



A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting
over there?"



The barman says, "Yep, that's them."



So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you
guys doing in here?"



Bush says, "We're planning WW III."



And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"



Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one
blonde with big ****."



The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big ****?" "Why kill a blonde with big
****?"



Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about
the 140 million Iraqis!"

tnkrstoyco

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was
waiting for him.



After reviewing his records, Saint Pete decided to let him in.



"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.



After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground.
Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys.



That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him
and did his thing.



Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell!
But follow me, we're almost there."



After some more walking, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him.



Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay
guy one last chance.



Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends
over and picks them up.



The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him.



Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.



A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine
inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no
lava.



In one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing
his *** off.



"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Pete asks.



"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Riz Z Speed

The Commandments of How to Be a Good Dog
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

4. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

5. The sofa is not a face towel.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

9. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

11. I will not throw up in the car.

12. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

13. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

14. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he is on the toilet.

15. I will not come from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

NISMO LMR

(Just thought this one up, so bear with me)

A Blonde womans car has broken down on the side of the road. So thinking fast, she dials 411 on her phone, and asks for a Towing Service. They connect her to AAA.

Minutes later the AAA Truck arrives, and the driver asks the woman what happened.

She replies "Well it just sort of spuddered and stop running" The man diagnosed the situation as no-gas, and told her she probably had no gas.

Of which the blonde replied "NUH UH, I put 20 dollars in just a little while ago!"

... So the AAA Driver confused now, says "Well... Let's take it back to the shop and see what the problem is"

As they are getting the car up on the lift to pull the Fuel Cell, the blonde says "I dont think theres anything wrong under there... last time this happened, the AAA guy just had to change my Turn-Signal Fluid. Gave me a deal too."

The Driver, now trying to hold back his laughter, says "We'll check every *snickers* thing Maam."

As the Fuel Cell is dropped, and they take a peak inside. The AAA Driver yells "Ahhhh HA... Found the problem"

The blonde now eccentric with happiness replies "What was it?!"

... The AAA Driver stands up slowly... And says "A Twenty Dollar Bill was clogging the fuel lines"

CanyonCarver

I got 76 meters..............

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/HomeRun.swf

CrAzY_84na

whoohooo i tied! 76!

tnkrstoyco

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.



After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our
cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days."



The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!"



The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."



Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.



Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.



The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"



The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

tnkrstoyco

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for
two months.



Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.



The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.



Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!"



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.



Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take charge.



If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.



If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000
bank account.



If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"



At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"

tnkrstoyco

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who
was retiring.



The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the
community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach."



The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that
does the trick?"



As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"



"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."



"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at
the next house."



Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an
elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she
once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."



"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that
helps."



As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"



"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I
bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

CanyonCarver

THREE SMILES..

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coronoer calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

CanyonCarver

25 Signs That You've Grown UP !


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator..
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, ra ther than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you ...
and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ***...

Riz Z Speed

Ya Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a
chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push,"
he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three
in the morning and it is pouring outside!" "Well, you have a short
memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into th e dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Riz Z Speed

MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Riz Z Speed

Labor Pills

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing
with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a
new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain
to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides
they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I
don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle
this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband
tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred
75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her
husband is still feeling nothing. He tells her, "Take another pill. This
isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does.
Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The
next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the
mailman dead on the doorstep.

Riz Z Speed

A farmer had 500 hens but no rooster, and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he had a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, this rooster costs $1,000, but the farmer decides he's worth it, so, he buys Ralph.

The farmer took Ralph home and set him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I need you to do a good job, so pace yourself and have some fun." He pointed toward the hen house and Ralph took off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nailed every hen in the hen house. The farmer was really impressed. After that, the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph was in there.

Later, the farmer saw Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He got all the geese. By sunset he saw Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is now really worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, when the farmer gets up the next morning, he finds Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,

"Shhhh! They're getting closer."