Riz's Joke Thread
08-29-2005, 06:15 AM
#176
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing
there all by yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his
mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a
tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.
"Giving up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The math teacher saw that little Johnny
wasn 't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS,
HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in
the kindergarten class,
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he
were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to their
local police station, where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin boar d,
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person. "Yes," said the
policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep
him when you took his picture?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with
his father. He watched
as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing
there all by yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his
mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a
tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.
"Giving up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The math teacher saw that little Johnny
wasn 't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS,
HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in
the kindergarten class,
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he
were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to their
local police station, where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin boar d,
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person. "Yes," said the
policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep
him when you took his picture?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with
his father. He watched
as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
08-31-2005, 09:24 PM
#177
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Gerber, CA
Posts: 3,672
Busted cuckoo clock.....
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
Q&A.........
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!
Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.
Q. What's the only animal with an ******* in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears.
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
Q. How do you do a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.
Q&A.........
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!
Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.
Q. What's the only animal with an ******* in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears.
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
Q. How do you do a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
09-08-2005, 05:33 PM
#178
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Onions & Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son
asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her
twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of '*******' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his ***** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the ***** are for decoration only."
A family is at the dinner table. The son
asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her
twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of '*******' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his ***** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the ***** are for decoration only."
09-15-2005, 09:13 AM
#179
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
I like the Prez and i still found this funny.
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek
below.
Before the Secret Service men could get to him, three kids,
who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he
offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George said,
"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't
look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek
below.
Before the Secret Service men could get to him, three kids,
who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he
offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George said,
"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't
look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"
09-20-2005, 04:57 AM
#180
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
Feudalism
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Communism
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron
You have two cows.
You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor with no negative Balance Sheet implications, followed by a press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows may begin trading cows via a new internet site "COW". (cows on web).
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Communism
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron
You have two cows.
You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor with no negative Balance Sheet implications, followed by a press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows may begin trading cows via a new internet site "COW". (cows on web).
09-20-2005, 10:07 AM
#181
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
New watch
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy
was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when
they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you
want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and
watch, but keep quiet."
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy
was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when
they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you
want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and
watch, but keep quiet."
09-26-2005, 10:47 AM
#182
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Fred
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied
hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be
a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got
my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let
him go without even a warning.
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied
hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be
a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got
my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let
him go without even a warning.
09-26-2005, 12:03 PM
#183
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
10-04-2005, 12:35 PM
#184
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, It's all right? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, That hurt, you stupid idiot?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And, obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, It's all right? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, That hurt, you stupid idiot?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And, obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!
10-09-2005, 03:39 PM
#185
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might live in Illinois.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Illinois.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Illinois.
If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Illinois.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
Illinois.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:
1. Vacation means going north or south on I55 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
6. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
use them.
7. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
8. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
9. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still wi nter,road
construction, and It's Hot.
10. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
11. Down south means Missouri to you.
12. A brat is something you eat.
13. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
14. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
15. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".
some of these hit too close to home sometimes.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might live in Illinois.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Illinois.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Illinois.
If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Illinois.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in
Illinois.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:
1. Vacation means going north or south on I55 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
6. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
use them.
7. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
8. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
9. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still wi nter,road
construction, and It's Hot.
10. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
11. Down south means Missouri to you.
12. A brat is something you eat.
13. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
14. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
15. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".
some of these hit too close to home sometimes.
10-10-2005, 01:00 PM
#186
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Can you tell a female sent me this?
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
> ALL ARE WELCOME. OPEN TO MEN ONLY.
>
>
> Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
>
> each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
>
> The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course
>include:
>
>
> DAY ONE
>
> HOW TO FILL
>ICE CUBE TRAYS
> Step by step guide with slide presentation
>
> TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
> Roundtable discussion
>
> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
> Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
>
> DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
>DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
> Debate among a panel of experts.
>
> LOSS OF VIRILITY
> Losing the remote control to your significant other -
> Help line and support groups
>
> LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
> Starting with looking in the right place
> instead of turning the house upside down
> while screaming - Open forum
>
>
> DAY TWO
>
> EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
> Group discussion and role play
>
>
> HEALTH WATCH;
> BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
> PowerPoint presentation
>
> REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
> Real life testimonial from the one man who did
>
> IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
> AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
> Driving simulation
>
> HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
>
> Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
>
> REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES &
> CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
> Bring your calendar or PDA to class
>
> GETTING OVER IT;
> LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
> Individual counselors available
> ALL ARE WELCOME. OPEN TO MEN ONLY.
>
>
> Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
>
> each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
>
> The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course
>include:
>
>
> DAY ONE
>
> HOW TO FILL
>ICE CUBE TRAYS
> Step by step guide with slide presentation
>
> TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
> Roundtable discussion
>
> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
> Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
>
> DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
>DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
> Debate among a panel of experts.
>
> LOSS OF VIRILITY
> Losing the remote control to your significant other -
> Help line and support groups
>
> LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
> Starting with looking in the right place
> instead of turning the house upside down
> while screaming - Open forum
>
>
> DAY TWO
>
> EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
> Group discussion and role play
>
>
> HEALTH WATCH;
> BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
> PowerPoint presentation
>
> REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
> Real life testimonial from the one man who did
>
> IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
> AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
> Driving simulation
>
> HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
>
> Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
>
> REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES &
> CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
> Bring your calendar or PDA to class
>
> GETTING OVER IT;
> LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
> Individual counselors available
10-13-2005, 07:17 AM
#187
Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: I'm located in the more southern local... Jackson, MS.
Posts: 129
Turpentine
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's *** and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
JD
Oh, btw... not all of "us" Mississippians are as dim as you'd like to think.
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's *** and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
JD
Oh, btw... not all of "us" Mississippians are as dim as you'd like to think.
10-13-2005, 07:24 AM
#188
Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: I'm located in the more southern local... Jackson, MS.
Posts: 129
...I couldn't resist...
Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
JD
Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
JD
10-19-2005, 07:16 PM
#189
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those ******** deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those ******** deducted $95.00 in taxes.
10-29-2005, 06:19 PM
#190
Silvered Hawaiian
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maui, Hawaii
Posts: 306
CanyonCarver, emo236, and Riz Z Speed were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the Sears building. One day as they were eating lunch, CanyonCarver said, "Ribs and mashed potatoes! If I get Ribs and mashed potatoes one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." Then emo236 opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Sushi again! If I get sushi one more time, I'm going to jump off, too!" Riz Z Speed opened his lunch and said, "Peanut butter and jelly sandwich again. If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day the CanyonCarver opens his lunch box, sees ribs and mashed potatoes and jumps to his death. emo236 opens his lunch, sees sushi and jumps too. Riz Z Speed opens his lunch, sees the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral, the CanyonCarver's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ribs and mashed potatoes I never would have given it to him again!" The emo236's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him teriyaki or tempura! I didn't realize he hated sushi so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the Riz Z Speed's wife. "Hey don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch!"
Next day the CanyonCarver opens his lunch box, sees ribs and mashed potatoes and jumps to his death. emo236 opens his lunch, sees sushi and jumps too. Riz Z Speed opens his lunch, sees the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral, the CanyonCarver's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ribs and mashed potatoes I never would have given it to him again!" The emo236's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him teriyaki or tempura! I didn't realize he hated sushi so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the Riz Z Speed's wife. "Hey don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch!"
11-15-2005, 05:18 AM
#194
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to sh** on someone's windshield
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to sh** on someone's windshield
12-07-2005, 08:53 AM
#196
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Assertive husband
The timid man had been advised by his psychiatrist to go home and assert
himself. "Don't let your wife bully you anymore. Go home and show her
who's the boss."
So, the timid soul went home, banged the door shut, and said in a loud
voice, "Now get this! From now on, I'm the boss in this joint, and I'm
giving the orders and you're obeying them.
Now get busy and get my supper on the table right away and after that, lay
out my clothes because I'm going out tonight, alone in my tuxedo. And, do
you know who's going to dress me in my tuxedo and black tie?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife softly, "the undertaker."
The timid man had been advised by his psychiatrist to go home and assert
himself. "Don't let your wife bully you anymore. Go home and show her
who's the boss."
So, the timid soul went home, banged the door shut, and said in a loud
voice, "Now get this! From now on, I'm the boss in this joint, and I'm
giving the orders and you're obeying them.
Now get busy and get my supper on the table right away and after that, lay
out my clothes because I'm going out tonight, alone in my tuxedo. And, do
you know who's going to dress me in my tuxedo and black tie?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife softly, "the undertaker."
12-07-2005, 08:55 AM
#197
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Pretzel stand
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and,
as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would
never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and,
as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would
never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
12-07-2005, 09:37 AM
#198
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Beware of the dog
A vacationer noticed a sign that warned "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!", posted
on the glass door of a little country store.
Inside the store, a harmless-looking old hound dog was asleep on the floor
by the cash register.
"Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?" he asked the store
manager.
"Yup." The man replied.
The vacationer was amused. "That doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why the sign?"
"Well," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."
A vacationer noticed a sign that warned "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!", posted
on the glass door of a little country store.
Inside the store, a harmless-looking old hound dog was asleep on the floor
by the cash register.
"Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?" he asked the store
manager.
"Yup." The man replied.
The vacationer was amused. "That doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why the sign?"
"Well," the manager replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."
12-07-2005, 09:42 AM
#200
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
First night
Charlie marries a virgin.
On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed,
and immediately begins groping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner
table."
So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the *****."
Charlie marries a virgin.
On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed,
and immediately begins groping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner
table."
So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the *****."
