We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends.
Ya`ll know who ya are...

You might be a redneck if. . .

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "

You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "The Holidays."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you, like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.


God Bless the USA.

 

An elderly lady contacted her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then he heard the dog moan loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...you know, I just HATE drawing welfare and I'd really much rather have a job and go to work everyday." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his 18 yr old beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah... well you started it!



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new book for us amateur golfers.....


Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

 

Q: What do Elefants use as a Tampon??
A: Sheep.

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
> was having sex.
> Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
> family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
>
> The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and
> any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her
> to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her
> and give her a box of condoms.
>
> Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
> the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
>
> The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
> saying:
> "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> Church:
>
> A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake
> the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
> fine sermon. Damned good!"
>
> The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
> profanity."
>
> The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
>
> The preacher said, "No ****?"
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> Pancakes:
>
> Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
> With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
> appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
> *****.
>
> After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
> "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
>
> The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
> large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
>
> "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
>
> "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your
> father."
>

 

 

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today,
class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them."



She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.



Little Suzie raises her hand.



Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were
excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."



Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"



Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."



Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"



Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my
bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke."



Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"



Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."



Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"



Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was
in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife,
and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she
landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."



Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"



Little Johnny: "Don't **** with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

 

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:


LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

 

2005 Employee Rules & Regulations

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so That you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you Dress just right, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, do not Need a raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as Proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company's bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.

The Future Management.

 

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden,
but it was very hard work and he was very old. His only son, Francisco, who
used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling muy bad cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my Chili
gardenz this year. I just getting too viejo to dig a garden, pero if you
were here, all mi problemas would be over. I know that you would dig that
silly old lot for me.
Siempre, tu popa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Poppy,
Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Poppy,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now. Its the best I could do.
Love, Francisco

 

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

 

The 2005 Revised Version of The Declaration of Independence "We The People Of The United States"

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

" We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused
by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended.This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!

(lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are
uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish.
Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?

 

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hilary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART担 GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA担 MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: A TRAVEL GUIDE

A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson

********** And the world痴 NUMBER ONE thinnest book

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.


The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,

perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife


and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar

detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn

it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it

off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back

pocket "
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."

 

2005 Employee Rules & Regulations

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so That you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you Dress just right, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, do not Need a raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as Proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company's bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.

The Future Management.

*******************************
Management Lessons

Lesson One

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow & asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?


To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson?

Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




Here endeth your management course.

 

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress.............

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:
I hate Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich . The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -------------------- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the **** away from me."

 

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T
>ADMIT:
>
>
>1. Elvis is dead.
>2. Jesus was not white.
>3. Rap music is here to stay.
>4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
>5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
>6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
>7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
>8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
>9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
>10.Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
>
>
>10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T
>ADMIT:
>
>1. Hickey's are not attractive.
>2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
>3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
>4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
>5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
>6.Jump out and run is not in any insurance policies.
>7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
>8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion
>statement.
> 9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in
>your family.
>10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
>
>10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T
>ADMIT:
>
>1. O.J. did it.
>2. Tupac is dead.
>3. Teeth should not be decorated.
>4. Weddings should start on time.
>5. Your pastor doesn't know everything..
>6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
>7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
>8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
>9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
>10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

 

Rules For Bedroom Golf
********************
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two *****.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the ***** out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. *HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

************************************

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed medics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 TOM'S SUPREME CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

 

wonderfull chili joke
haven't laughed that hard in a good while.

 

ohh man I think I peed on my pants. grat joke i try to imagin me with something to drink when I first read it.

 

When I 1st read that Chili joke, I was at work. Not good. Trying to keep a laugh like that contained is harder than trying **** and sneaze at the same time.

 

hehe, not that great, but i found it amusing . . .


"A hot coed visits a doctor for a physical. After the checkup the doctor says, “Everything looks fine, but why is an M imprinted on your stomach?”

“My boyfriend goes to Michigan,” she replies. “He loves his school so much that he wears his varsity jacket during sex.”

The next day a different coed visits the same doctor, and she also has an M on her stomach.

“Let me guess,” says the doctor, “your boyfriend goes to Michigan.”

“No, but my girlfriend’s at Wisconsin.”

 

Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”

Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.

“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.

“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”

“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”

The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”

“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.

“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your ******* before prison…’”

 

A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that’s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog’s *****, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly

The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck."
"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

 

here's a pic like the joke above