Riz's Joke Thread
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,485
From: Temecula, CA
Not really a joke, but I found this quote I recieved in an email funny none the less:
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human br ain can only operate
as fast as the> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human br ain can only operate
as fast as the> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
ダットサンマニアック
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by jfairladyz
Not really a joke, but I found this quote I recieved in an email funny none the less:
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human br ain can only operate
as fast as the> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human br ain can only operate
as fast as the> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
umm you guys mind if I write up a joke thats kinda racial? (it makes fun of me in the process)
Last edited by ASA240z; Sep 6, 2006 at 04:08 PM.
ダットサンマニアック
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by snwbrderphat540
by being AWSOME...lol. mods put it there. i guess when i said my virgin ears, i made an impression on somebody. so thats my story and im sticking to it.
Last edited by ASA240z; Sep 6, 2006 at 05:02 PM.
No Club Love
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,518
From: Mo Valley, So Cali
Originally Posted by bardabe
Q:Why dosent Mexico have an olimpic Team?
A: Cause all the ones that cna run, jump and swim area already here.
A: Cause all the ones that cna run, jump and swim area already here.
q. How can you starve most lazier americans, and usually not zdrivers
a. hide their welfare check under their work boots.
Queen of Yachts
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,957
From: warmspott, trollville.......somewhere sailing the seas--fla, virgin islands...wherever....warm water....LOL
sorry--this is a llloooonnnngggg one:
dear mom, dad;
our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on tv and are worried. We are ok. Only two of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh, yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he's ok. he can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search ansd rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going out o n the lake alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that when you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will get home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes were ok when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus this old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he cannot get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, he sometimes lets us ride on the fenders. It gets real hot with 45 people in a bus. He lets us take turns riding on the fenders until the highway patrolman stopped to talk to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he's teaching Jesse how to drive on mountain roads where there isn't much traffic. All we see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because i cannot swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take a canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad at us for not wearing lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we're trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? we have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and i threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it was probably just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ae in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became out scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now.We are going to go to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Chris
dear mom, dad;
our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on tv and are worried. We are ok. Only two of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh, yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he's ok. he can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search ansd rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going out o n the lake alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that when you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will get home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes were ok when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus this old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he cannot get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, he sometimes lets us ride on the fenders. It gets real hot with 45 people in a bus. He lets us take turns riding on the fenders until the highway patrolman stopped to talk to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he's teaching Jesse how to drive on mountain roads where there isn't much traffic. All we see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because i cannot swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take a canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad at us for not wearing lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we're trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? we have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and i threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it was probably just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ae in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became out scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now.We are going to go to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Chris
Registered User
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 237
From: Eastern NC
John, is one of God's favorite Christians. he's kind to his fellow man, prays often and trusts in the Lord to help him when needed. The Lord is so impressed with John that he comes down personally from heaven and asks him what he would like that God can do for him. John thought a while and then asked the Lord for a bridge from California to Hawaii so that he and his fellow americans didn't have to spend so much money on plane tickets to vacation on the island. The Lord said it was a costly request and would take a lot of resources, time and man power to complete and suggested that John go home and think about his request over night.
The next morning John returned and called for the Lord. The Lord came and asked if he had thought about his request. John said he had and felt bad for requesting something so materialistic. He said his new request should be much simpler and less materialistic. John, shuffles a little, a bit embarassed of his request. He says, "Lord, my wife cries for seemingly no reason. She constantly requires attention. Complains about everything I do. Mostly she says I'll never understand her. Lord, I would like to be able to understand my wife." The Lord thought for a moment and said to John, "Would you like that two lanes or four?"
_________________________________________
Breaking news!
A tragic earth quake erupted in central Mexico this morning. So far the death tolls are over 2 million mexican citizens. Countries around the globe are sending in relief efforts. France has sent food, England has sent aid workers, Italy sent medical supplies, Japan has sent doctors and the US has sent 2 million replacement mexicans.
The next morning John returned and called for the Lord. The Lord came and asked if he had thought about his request. John said he had and felt bad for requesting something so materialistic. He said his new request should be much simpler and less materialistic. John, shuffles a little, a bit embarassed of his request. He says, "Lord, my wife cries for seemingly no reason. She constantly requires attention. Complains about everything I do. Mostly she says I'll never understand her. Lord, I would like to be able to understand my wife." The Lord thought for a moment and said to John, "Would you like that two lanes or four?"
_________________________________________
Breaking news!
A tragic earth quake erupted in central Mexico this morning. So far the death tolls are over 2 million mexican citizens. Countries around the globe are sending in relief efforts. France has sent food, England has sent aid workers, Italy sent medical supplies, Japan has sent doctors and the US has sent 2 million replacement mexicans.
Queen of Yachts
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,957
From: warmspott, trollville.......somewhere sailing the seas--fla, virgin islands...wherever....warm water....LOL
this is not a joke, but mother nature plays practical jokes, as does God:
anybody figger out what this pic is?
anybody figger out what this pic is?
Queen of Yachts
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,957
From: warmspott, trollville.......somewhere sailing the seas--fla, virgin islands...wherever....warm water....LOL
tried to send the green cheese moon pic--but the expiration date was exceeded!
actuaslly, the pic would not upload. i try later.
actuaslly, the pic would not upload. i try later.
Queen of Yachts
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,957
From: warmspott, trollville.......somewhere sailing the seas--fla, virgin islands...wherever....warm water....LOL
Too funny!
>this should get a laff outa yaz.... "stole" this from z_lis...... 
*You have two choices in life:*
*You can stay single and be miserable, *
*or get married and wish you were dead. *
*At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,*
*"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" *
*"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."*
*A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:*
*"Husband Wanted". *
*Next day she received a hundred letters.*
*They all said the same thing: *
*"You can have mine."*
*When a woman steals your husband, *
*there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.*
*A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished *
*"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" *
*Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
*A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
*Then there was a woman who said,*
*"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, *
*and by then, it was too late." *
*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.*
*If you want your spouse to listen and**pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.*
*Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinkingthey had no faults at all. **First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" *
*Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." *
*AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! *
*Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. Ablind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find itoverloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.*
*So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husbandgets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it onthe sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at theend of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." *
*The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." *
<http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?id=99278>
Last edited by z-hag; Apr 17, 2007 at 05:56 PM.
Queen of Yachts
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 2,957
From: warmspott, trollville.......somewhere sailing the seas--fla, virgin islands...wherever....warm water....LOL
btdtx2--aint goin agin.....life is too much fun for.........thought y'allz 'd get a kik outa dis--z_lis sent it to me--seems her mom has a sense of humor, also.....
Thread Starter
Administrative Brown Guy
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 5,406
From: Ontario, Canada
50 things
got this from mens health
thought it was funny so i felt like sharing
50 things Men wish Women knew
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
28. Unless we're meeting my parents.
29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
33. We love ponytails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
50 things Women wished Men knew
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like ****.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
thought it was funny so i felt like sharing
50 things Men wish Women knew
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
28. Unless we're meeting my parents.
29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
33. We love ponytails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
50 things Women wished Men knew
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like ****.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
