This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
__________________________________________________ ____

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

 

New Words...


1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

Body: WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand
women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,"It is
essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."He
addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned
over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't
it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs
him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, "You
see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobaccoand some
rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I
have to roll my own .......... so does she.(I figure this guy is the one on
the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDSA husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow
me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it because you
get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show
me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at homeand
were giving each other the silent treatment.Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He
left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM.and he had missed his flight Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a
piece of paper bythe bed.The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are
not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always arough draft
before the masterpiece.

 

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

 

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."
>
> --Author Unknown

>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
>
> --Author Unknown

>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> There's a support group for that.
> It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar"
>
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
>
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
>
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
> infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
>
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
>
> --Bob Ettinger
>
>
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
>
> --Paula Poundstone

>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh"
>
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
>
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
> Let's go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
>
> --Johnny Carson
>
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
>
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
> but they turned sixty and that's the law"
>
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>

> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
> What, do tall people burn slower?"
>
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> Monogamy is the same."
>
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a
> member of Congress.. But I repeat myself"
>
> --Mark Twain
>
>
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
> At least they can find Afghanistan."
>
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
> and the dog will give you a look that says,
> 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
>
> --Dave Barry
>

> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
> Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
>
> --Unknown, presumed deceased

>
> 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
> I believe I'll have another beer."
>
> - W. C. Fields

 

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says:

SEX FROGS! Only $20 each!

Money Back Guaranteed!

Come with complete instructions!



The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

She whispers softly to the young man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she grabs the
instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions say:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you

5. Allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her dismay, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset.

She grabs the instructions and rereads them and then notices at the bottom of the page, in small print, it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store.

The same young man is still at work.

When he hears her problem, he says, "I'll be right over." Within
minutes, the man is ringing her door bell.

The young lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there.

"The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Now you listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE more time. ."


*wink*

 

A Japanese Girl Was Having Sex And Accidentally Farted... She Told The Guy "me So Sorry, Front Hole So Happy It Made Back Hole Laugh".

If A Bitch With Big ******* Works At Hooters, Shouldnt A Bitch With One Leg Work At Ihop!

A Baby Monkey Asked His Mom Why Are We So Ugly? The Mom Said Thank God We Look This Way. You Should See The Person Reading This.

Why Are Men Smarter During Sex???
Duh... Because They Are Plugged Into A Genius!!

 

A woman goes to work at the local sex shop, at lunch time, on her first day she is left alone. A black woman comes in and ask whow much is the white *****. The clerk tells her 19.95. A white lady comes in and asks how much for the black *****. The clerk tells her 29.95. A blonde comes in and asks how for the plaid *****. The clerk tells her 79.95. The manager returns from lunch and asks the clerk how she did. She tells him she sold a white ***** for 19.95, a black ***** for 29.95, and his thermos for 79.95.

This is the response a blonde got after placing order @ sex shop, "Thank you for your recent order from our sex shop. You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. Please reselect as that is our fire extinguisher.


Three pregnant woman are at the obgyn. There was a red head, brunette, and a blonde. The redhead claimed she was sure she having a girl because she conceived while she was on top. The brunette claimed she was sure she was having a boy since she conceived while she was on the bottom. Just the the blonde busted out crying and screamed, "I think I am having puppies!"

 

The female demerit system...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed (+1)

* You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
with Beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

* It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned ..0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

 

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

 

woah. its rizz

 

Subject: Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that
I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was
more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by
the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I
had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with m y napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned,
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted.

 

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil:

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her
Friend sitting behind her took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching
Her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie! "Who is our Lord
And Savior?"

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again,
Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve
Say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped
Up & shouted,

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted!

 

A bored casino dealer and his pit boss were waiting at an empty crap table at a Gulfport, Mississippi casino. A very attractive blonde woman from Dothan,
Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.' With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!' As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She hugged each of the men . . . and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly
departed.
The dealer and pit boss stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know . . . I thought
you were watching.'

Moral of the story:
1. Not all Southerners are stupid.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.
3. But all men . . . are men.

 

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation

when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was

stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

"May I see your ID, por favor, senor?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I seem to have lost my wallet," replied the

guy.

"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the

border," said the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have

a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of

Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

"This I gotta see, senor," replied the agent.

With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over in front of the

agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have fun in

Chicago "

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!"

 

The Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The MAN of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of Sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f.....in' funeral director would be my first guess.'

 

1. Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
2. Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
3. Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
4. Men are like newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
5. Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
6. Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
7. Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
8. Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
10. Men are like government bonds.They take so long to mature.
11. Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken.
12. Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
13. Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
14. Men are like **** carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
15. Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
16. Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
17. Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
18. Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
19. Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
20. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
21. Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
22. Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
23. Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
24. Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
25. Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
26. Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

 

Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers

1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
3. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
4. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
5. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
7. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
8. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
9. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
10. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
11. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
12. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
13. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
14. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
15. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
16. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
17. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
18. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
19. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
20. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
21. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
22. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
23. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
24. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
25. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

 

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail

 

Insults From Famous People

1. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
2. "You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx
3. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
4. "A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994) 1994)
5. "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
6. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
7. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
8. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
9. "I've just learned about his illness; let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
10. "I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
11. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
12. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
13. "He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul." - David Lloyd George
14. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
15. "His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
16. "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
17. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
18. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
19. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
20. "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
21. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
22. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
23. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
24. "A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain
25. "I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain
26. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
27. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
28. "He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."- Oscar Wilde
29. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
30. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts--for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

 

i got one

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandfather one weekend, because his grandpa feels it's about time they spent some quality time together.

While sitting out on the boat, the boy notices the grandpa pulling out a big beautiful Cuban cigar from his coat pocket. He proceeds to bite off the tip, light it up, and start puffing away. The boy watches in amazement; then, without knowing any better, he blurts out, "Hey Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

The grandpa smiles and says, "well, can your dick touch your *******?"

The little boy frowns and says, "well, no grandpa, it can't."

The grandpa sits back and says, "boy, you're not a man yet, so you can't smoke one of these!"

The two continue to fish for a while without speaking. Later on, the grandpa reaches into the cooler and pulls out a freezing-cold can of Budweiser, cracks it open, and begins to chug it. The little boy watches in amazement; then, without knowing any better, he blurts out, "Hey Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

The grandpa smiles and says, "well, can your dick touch your *******?"

The little boy frowns and says, "I already told you, grandpa, it can't."

The grandpa sits back and says, "boy, you're not a man yet, so you can't drink beer!"

The boy almost begins to argue, but then he holds his tongue and proceeds to continue fishing.

A little while later, with not a single bite on their lines, the two give up and head into shore. While filling up the truck at a gas station, the grandpa decides to buy a couple lottery tickets, considering the jackpot has reached $50 million. He give one to his grandson and keeps one for himself. Of course, the grandpa wins nothing. But the little boy wins all $50 million! After seeing that his grandson had won, the grandpa smiled and said, "well now, you're going to share some of those winnings with your old grandpa, aren't ya?"

The little boy looked up and said, "well, can your dick touch your *******?"

The grandpa stood up proudly, fists on his hips, and stated, "why, yes it can!"

The little boy said, "well... then you can go **** yourself cause your not getting any of my damn money."

 

Computer One Liners
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?
Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud..., James Baud.
Access denied - neener, neener, neener!
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
All computers wait at the same speed.
Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

 

The Rules Of The Relationship: For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law

 

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"