Riz's Joke Thread
03-13-2006, 01:21 AM
#226
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as much."
The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as much."
03-13-2006, 01:23 AM
#227
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size eight shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I've been doing this for years, and I can see you're at least a size 11."
The guy says, "Just bring me a size eight shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and stands up, obviously in pain.
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having sex with my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes.
The guy says, "Just bring me a size eight shoe."
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and stands up, obviously in pain.
He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having sex with my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes.
03-13-2006, 09:58 AM
#228
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Subject: FDA bulletin
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ******. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadud, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and ibepokin.
Pfizer Corporation announced today that ****** will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just good old-fashioned "stiff drinks." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ******. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadud, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and ibepokin.
Pfizer Corporation announced today that ****** will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just good old-fashioned "stiff drinks." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."
03-20-2006, 10:57 AM
#229
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita"are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
Dear Mr. Baker,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita"are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
03-20-2006, 01:00 PM
#231
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Shirley, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old Blazer parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several
others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just got up and walked away. He didn't explain,
defend, or deny. He just said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup
in front of Shirley's house, and walked home......
and left it there all night.
You've just gotta love George !!!
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old Blazer parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several
others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just got up and walked away. He didn't explain,
defend, or deny. He just said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup
in front of Shirley's house, and walked home......
and left it there all night.
You've just gotta love George !!!
03-24-2006, 05:54 PM
#232
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
T.g.i.f.
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was
a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,
so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,
so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
04-03-2006, 12:57 AM
#233
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.
"That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming back."
The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do you any good!"
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.
I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.
She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.
She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never touched last night..
Then I showed her to the door.
She was so grateful for all these things she thanked me profusely.
But then, just as she was about to leave, she turned around and asked me........ "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?
"That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming back."
The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do you any good!"
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.
I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.
She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.
She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never touched last night..
Then I showed her to the door.
She was so grateful for all these things she thanked me profusely.
But then, just as she was about to leave, she turned around and asked me........ "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?
04-06-2006, 10:40 PM
#234
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
> name.
>
> For example, Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is
> called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is ibuprofen.
>
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ******. After careful
> consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
> it
> has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
> mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, dixafix, and of course the urban version,
> ibepokin.
>
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that ****** will soon be available in liquid
> form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power Beverage suitable for
> use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
> himself
> a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
> gives
> new
> meaning to the words "cocktails", highballs," and just good old-fashioned
> "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount
> &
> Do".
>
> name.
>
> For example, Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is
> called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is ibuprofen.
>
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ******. After careful
> consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
> it
> has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
> mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, dixafix, and of course the urban version,
> ibepokin.
>
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that ****** will soon be available in liquid
> form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power Beverage suitable for
> use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
> himself
> a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
> gives
> new
> meaning to the words "cocktails", highballs," and just good old-fashioned
> "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount
> &
> Do".
>
04-07-2006, 01:52 AM
#235
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
ummm, rizz. this joke was posted only 6 posts up. on the same page at that. sure, in a thread thats 16 pages there are bound to be repeats, but really. and youre an admin at that. what is this site coming to??? 
04-09-2006, 09:08 PM
#237
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
How To Shower Like a Woman:
>
>Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
>lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your
>womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
>sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
>leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once
>with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again
>to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
>conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed
>apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
>Get out of shower and stand on bathmat. Dry with towel the size of a small
>country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long
>dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover
>up
>any exposed areas.
>
>How To Shower Like a Man:
>
>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
>pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
>wiener at her making the woo-woo'sound. Look at your manly physique in the
>mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
>
>Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your
>hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how
>loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and
>surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on
>the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
>Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat. Dry off forearms and butt
>only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
>the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch
>water
>fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off
>towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet
>towel on bed.
>
>Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
>lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your
>womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
>sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
>leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once
>with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again
>to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
>conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed
>apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
>Get out of shower and stand on bathmat. Dry with towel the size of a small
>country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long
>dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover
>up
>any exposed areas.
>
>How To Shower Like a Man:
>
>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
>pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
>wiener at her making the woo-woo'sound. Look at your manly physique in the
>mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
>
>Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your
>hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how
>loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and
>surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on
>the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
>Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat. Dry off forearms and butt
>only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
>the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch
>water
>fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off
>towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet
>towel on bed.
04-11-2006, 02:15 AM
#239
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
i always like these,especially since women are the ones who send'em to me
Women's English....
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important
Men's English....
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice ****!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress
and let's go home and have sex
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important
Men's English....
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice ****!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress
and let's go home and have sex
04-14-2006, 12:39 PM
#240
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
SKINNY DIPPING
An old man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
An old man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
04-25-2006, 01:14 PM
#241
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Only In America:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
04-26-2006, 05:40 AM
#242
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
The teacher asked Michael, "If you were on a date, having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest
room?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you? Paul, how would you say it?
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly
to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners." "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest
room?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you? Paul, how would you say it?
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly
to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners." "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
05-20-2006, 05:55 PM
#243
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Subject: Scam At Wal-Mart
BIG SCAM IS TAKING PLACE AT WAL-MART. BE WARNED! I don't know if you shop at WAL-MART, but this may be useful to know. I
am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts falling out of their skimpy tank tops.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another WAL-MART in
town. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday . Haven't had a chance to go
back today.
Be careful out there!
am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts falling out of their skimpy tank tops.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another WAL-MART in
town. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday . Haven't had a chance to go
back today.
Be careful out there!
05-31-2006, 05:59 AM
#245
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the
other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one
for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then, a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the
other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one
for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then, a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
06-29-2006, 05:44 PM
#246
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Perhaps the Best Golf Joke Ever ...
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your *** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your *** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
08-08-2006, 02:42 AM
#248
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
> DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
>
> 40-ish..............................49
> Adventurous..................Slept with everyone
> Athletic............................No ****
> Average looking.................Ugly
> Beautiful..........................Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of pills
> Emotionally Secure.............On medication
> Feminist...........................Fat
> Free spirit.........................Junkie
> Friendship first...................Former ****
> Fun.................................Annoying
> New-Age......................Body hair in the wrong places
> Old-fashioned....................No BJs
> Open-minded.....................Desperate
> Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
> Professional.......................Bitch
> Voluptuous.....................Very Fat
> Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
> Wants Soul mate.... ............Stalker
>
> WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
> 1. Yes = No
> 2. No = Yes
> 3. Maybe = No
> 4. We need = I want
> 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
> 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
> 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
> 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
> 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
> 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
>
> MEN'S ENGLISH:
> 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
> 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
> 3. I am tired = I am tired
> 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
> 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
> 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
> 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
>
> 40-ish..............................49
> Adventurous..................Slept with everyone
> Athletic............................No ****
> Average looking.................Ugly
> Beautiful..........................Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of pills
> Emotionally Secure.............On medication
> Feminist...........................Fat
> Free spirit.........................Junkie
> Friendship first...................Former ****
> Fun.................................Annoying
> New-Age......................Body hair in the wrong places
> Old-fashioned....................No BJs
> Open-minded.....................Desperate
> Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
> Professional.......................Bitch
> Voluptuous.....................Very Fat
> Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
> Wants Soul mate.... ............Stalker
>
> WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
> 1. Yes = No
> 2. No = Yes
> 3. Maybe = No
> 4. We need = I want
> 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
> 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
> 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
> 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
> 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
> 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
>
> MEN'S ENGLISH:
> 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
> 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
> 3. I am tired = I am tired
> 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
> 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
> 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
> 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
08-31-2006, 07:12 PM
#249
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During
her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
********* rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his ********* could easily
rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my
GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
********* rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his ********* could easily
rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my
GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
09-05-2006, 03:35 PM
#250
I have a present for you...
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: dayton, nevada usa
Posts: 1,691
I think your the father of one of my kids....
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you are the father to one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ***???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No I'm your son's math teacher"
