Riz's Joke Thread
12-07-2005, 09:48 AM
#201
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Cursed
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
12-07-2005, 10:25 AM
#202
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Domain names
Make sure you don't make the same mistake when setting up your web page
It's not always easy choosing the right domain name... but you can't do
much worse than these people.
Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich
and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
Make sure you don't make the same mistake when setting up your web page
It's not always easy choosing the right domain name... but you can't do
much worse than these people.
Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich
and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
12-07-2005, 10:30 AM
#203
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Old driver
An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives
because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper.
She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers
license and vehicle registration please."
The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her
license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually,
the worse piece of *** I ever had was in Chicago!"
The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives
because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper.
She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers
license and vehicle registration please."
The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her
license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually,
the worse piece of *** I ever had was in Chicago!"
The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
12-07-2005, 10:33 AM
#204
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Hitman playing golf
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take
a look?..."
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's
naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you
charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can
save you a thousand dollars here....."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take
a look?..."
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's
naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you
charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can
save you a thousand dollars here....."
12-10-2005, 08:41 AM
#205
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?
It's only 2130 now."
I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?
It's only 2130 now."
I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
12-10-2005, 08:55 AM
#206
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over
there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python
weally gives a thit.
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over
there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python
weally gives a thit.
12-17-2005, 11:25 AM
#207
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces
to his congregation that he will
not renew his contract.
He explains that he must move
on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several
car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays,
I
will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda
mini-van to transport their
children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
"If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi
stays, I vill give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I
just asked mein husband how ve could help and he just said, '**** the
Rabbi!'"
to his congregation that he will
not renew his contract.
He explains that he must move
on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several
car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays,
I
will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda
mini-van to transport their
children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
"If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi
stays, I vill give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I
just asked mein husband how ve could help and he just said, '**** the
Rabbi!'"
01-10-2006, 09:21 PM
#208
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Temecula, CA
Posts: 5,485
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Not really a joke but I found it funny none the less
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Not really a joke but I found it funny none the less
02-20-2006, 02:12 AM
#209
Z Extreme Guy
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: reno nv
Posts: 673
ok its been a long time siece i have hade somthing to post in this thred but here we go.
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You *****!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Hey, you look like that girl I fu**** a few days ago...
Aren't you one of the Village People?
Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You *****!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Hey, you look like that girl I fu**** a few days ago...
Aren't you one of the Village People?
Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!
02-20-2006, 06:27 AM
#211
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
Reminds me of the time we took the plant manager out with us and got so wasted, he forgot where the compnay car was and woke up in bed with some gal that had a picture of a city cop on her dresser. She said it was her boyfriend. This was back in 74' to this day he still says he'll never go out with us again.
Reminds me of the time we took the plant manager out with us and got so wasted, he forgot where the compnay car was and woke up in bed with some gal that had a picture of a city cop on her dresser. She said it was her boyfriend. This was back in 74' to this day he still says he'll never go out with us again.
02-20-2006, 07:44 AM
#212
Registered User
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Gering Nebraska
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by dr. buddha
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
. They had 4 other squad cars show up to search my cadillac. Here's a couple of others you could've said:I'm sorry I thought you wanted to race.
Don't get short with me Frodo. (longest yard)
**** happens, I mean, look at your ears. (longest yard again)
02-20-2006, 06:37 PM
#213
Doesn't post much...
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Escondido (San Diego) California
Posts: 3,617
Originally Posted by tnkrstoyco
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
Reminds me of the time we took the plant manager out with us and got so wasted, he forgot where the compnay car was and woke up in bed with some gal that had a picture of a city cop on her dresser. She said it was her boyfriend. This was back in 74' to this day he still says he'll never go out with us again.
Reminds me of the time we took the plant manager out with us and got so wasted, he forgot where the compnay car was and woke up in bed with some gal that had a picture of a city cop on her dresser. She said it was her boyfriend. This was back in 74' to this day he still says he'll never go out with us again.
Rod.
02-22-2006, 08:32 AM
#214
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
No Rod, but the guy that was our manager is a close and dear friend. He went on to own Talbert Wire Company. We stay in touch. The gal that was with me that night is still a good friend too, she is with the labs at Tyson foods.
It was such an unforgetable experience that Fred never wanted party with us again. We still joke about it and his wife teases him about it.
This happened close to the end of our HK Porter days. Have had about the same job for the last 30 though. Self-employed.
It was such an unforgetable experience that Fred never wanted party with us again. We still joke about it and his wife teases him about it.
This happened close to the end of our HK Porter days. Have had about the same job for the last 30 though. Self-employed.
02-25-2006, 09:11 AM
#215
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Barbie and GI Joe
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with
Ken."
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with
Ken."
02-25-2006, 10:24 AM
#216
Loves Going Topless
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Springdale, Arkansas
Posts: 447
Adam and Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to
have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so
good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why
did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would sleep with you.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to
have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so
good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why
did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would sleep with you.
03-08-2006, 12:23 PM
#217
Doesn't post much...
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Escondido (San Diego) California
Posts: 3,617
G.Bush's New Labor campaign!
So in order to boost the moral of the American worker, George Bush has unveiled his new Labor campaign...
Rod.
Rod.
Last edited by RodMoyes; 03-08-2006 at 12:27 PM.
03-08-2006, 10:39 PM
#220
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
5 Levels of a Hangover
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched.
You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life wouldbe better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ***** you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over you ***.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched.
You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life wouldbe better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ***** you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over you ***.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass
Last edited by Riz Z Speed; 03-08-2006 at 10:45 PM.
03-08-2006, 11:18 PM
#221
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable.
03-12-2006, 11:50 PM
#223
Administrative Brown Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,406
Why I fired my secretary . . .
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked
03-13-2006, 12:27 AM
#224
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lyingin bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom. "Gladys!" he exclaimed, "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an *******!!"
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lyingin bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom. "Gladys!" he exclaimed, "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an *******!!"
03-13-2006, 12:28 AM
#225
The Cake Is A Lie!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: WA
Posts: 5,690
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking??????
Scroll down for the answer!!
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down.
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking??????
Scroll down for the answer!!
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down.
